5 Tips to Ensure You Never Run Out of Things to Say (to a Woman)
We’ve all been there before. You’ve met an interesting woman, and you’ve hit it off, at least initially. You’re happily chatting away, but after just a few minutes, the conversation slows down, and then stops. You’ve run out of things to say. You’re left standing there in awkward silence, wondering what you can say that she’ll find interesting.
It’s uncomfortable, even nerve-wracking. Your palms get sweaty. Your heart speeds up. You smile nervously. If this goes on for too long, you can bet that she’s going to lose interest completely and go find someone else to talk to. There’s good news, though. You don’t have to be that schlub.
There’s no reason whatsoever to run out of things to talk about and keep a woman interested in you. You just need to know a few tips and tricks. However, make sure you start with my post 3 Things You Need to Know before Approaching Women to get things off on the right foot.
1. Turn the Situation Around
Perhaps the single most important tip to keep the conversation flowing is this – change the question that you’re asking yourself. You’re wondering how you can be interesting, how you can keep her engaged. Turn the situation around. Instead of asking yourself how you can be more interesting, ask yourself how you can show her that you’re interested in her. The most common reason for a woman to lose interest and find another conversation partner isn’t that the person she’s speaking with (you) isn’t interesting, it’s that she doesn’t know that he’s interested in her.
So, you need to show that you’re interested. No, that doesn’t mean you need to trot out that tired pickup line. It means that you need to break the ice and show that you actually want to know more about her. Ask leading questions that allow her to open up and give you more information about herself. Some simple starters include:
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living?
How do you know XX? (the party host, or another shared acquaintance)
Where did you go to school?
Sure, these are basic. They’re not zingers. They’re common, everyday questions. But they work. Why do they work? It’s because they show that you really want to know more about her, and they encourage her to answer and keep the conversation going.
However, don’t bet your entire night on this one tactic. Eventually, you need to do something else, because she’s going to get tired of carrying the entire conversation. In fact, if you do nothing but ask questions, it’s going to feel more like an interrogation than anything pleasurable that she’ll want to continue.
2. Listen … and Then Respond
Hopefully, you’ve gotten her talking. You’re learning more about her. She’s happy because you’ve shown an interest in her. However, you need to change things up before they get stale. What can you do? Actively listen to her responses. Yes, it seems strange, but you really do need to listen to what she’s telling you, and then use that information to create new threads in your conversation. What does that mean?
Here’s the thing – you can’t look at the first tip we talked about as a way to let her carry the conversation. That’ll get old real quick. So, listen to what she’s saying, and then find a way to build off that information to carry the conversation in another direction. Here’s an example:
You ask her where she went to school. She says she went to Valley Tech, and is studying digital marketing. You key in on that, and rifle through your memories. You remember that you took a basic marketing class back in the day, and you respond with something like, “Oh, that’s cool. I always found social media marketing techniques interesting, particularly blah blah.”
She replies, “Oh, yeah, me too! But I really think that content marketing is the way to go because blah blah.” And the conversation goes from there.
Not only did you show that you were interested by listening to her, but you proved that you were really listening to understand, not just to respond, and have built a stronger conversation that will keep going on its own (at least for a little bit).
You can do this with anything that she says in response to one of your questions. Deconstruct her sentences, and find the topics hidden inside them. If she answered your question about what she does for a living by saying, “I work in digital marketing, but my company is based overseas, so I’m out of the country a lot,” you could break that down into a number of other questions to keep the ball rolling.
Of course, you also need to know what not to say here and later on down the road, which I covered in my post The 1 Word You Should Never Say to Women.
3. Understand That Lulls Happen
No matter how skilled a conversationalist you might be, and no matter how interesting the girl is, you will find that lulls happen. There’s no way around it. Conversation naturally ebbs and flows, rises and falls. You need to tap into that rhythm and not be afraid of momentary silences. They don’t have to be awkward (unless you make them that way). So, how do you deal with those slowdowns?
There are plenty of ways to do this. Simply wait out the silence if you want. You can also crack a joke after an appropriate amount of time, or just ask another question. The key is to time it so it feels natural. You don’t want to appear afraid to let the conversation slow down, but you also don’t want to let those silences stretch out too long.
4. Lose Your Filter
As I’ve mentioned, silences fall all the time. They happen. They’re natural parts of the conversation. You just notice them more when you’re with a stranger than when you’re talking to a friend. Why is that? It’s because you’re comfortable with a friend. You can also spark the conversation back up by saying pretty much anything that comes into your head. Your friend knows you, is comfortable with you, and will roll with it. Why not take the same tack with that woman you’re trying to talk to?
A lot of the awkwardness you’re experiencing is because you’re trying to be interesting. You’re trying to find something worth saying – something worthy of her time. It’s a social filter that we all have. However, if you drop that filter, the same way you would when hanging out with friends, you’ll come across much more naturally and you’ll find that your conversations don’t die off as fast.
Here’s the point: You’re worried about having something worth saying, but just about anything you’re thinking is good enough. You don’t need to worry about coming off like Einstein every time you open your yap. You don’t need to worry about being super-suave with every sentence. Be real. Say what you’re thinking and see where the conversation goes from there. Chances are good that she’ll open up more if she sees you’re being genuine and things will feel much more natural between the two of you.
5. Make Connections
You might have heard of this tactic referred to as “reminds me of”, but both names work well. It’s nothing more than connecting the situation you’re in right now with something that you experienced in the past, or with another concept. This works really well when the conversation has hit a natural lull and the two of you are not speaking, and it’s sort of a mental association game.
All you need to do is to think about the situation you’re in now, or a part of it – the host’s jacket might remind you of the one worn by the owner of that English manor house you crashed at during your walking tour of Europe after college. The song playing might make you remember the crazy music festival where you ended up skinny dipping at 3 AM.
The point is to make those connections, and then talk about them – a simple statement like, “Oh, man, this band was so great at the 2012 rock festival! God, what a night – we all ended up skinny dipping in a farmer’s lake.” The conversation will go from there.
Ultimately, conversation is an organic thing. It rises and falls naturally. You just need to guide it carefully. Actively listen to the other person. Ask questions about her and show that you’re interested in her. Lose your filter and realize that mostly anything that pops into your head is totally fine to say – you don’t need to worry about making sure every word you utter is pure gold. Finally, make those connections if an awkward silence is stretching out a bit too far and see where the conversation goes from that point.
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