How to Build Rapport with a Woman
Have you ever watched with envy as a guy waltzes into a room, strikes up a conversation with the girl you had been interested in, and then leaves with her on his arm? How was he able to do that? What does he have that you don’t?
The answer is rapport.
Rapport is related to comfort and trust, but it goes deeper than this. It’s an unconscious connection between two people. It doesn’t have to be between a man and a woman, either. Chances are good that you have male coworkers with whom you “just click” even though you may not have similar backgrounds, interests, or even upbringings.
The good news is, that like charisma, rapport is something that you can learn to build. It’s not something that you’re born with. You need to work to develop it. When you do, you’ll find that you can make those love connections much more quickly.
Why Does Rapport Matter?
Before we get into the nuts and bolts of building rapport, we need to explain why it matters in the first place. Isn’t having great day game or night game enough? Actually, it is not. I’ve touched on this many times in my posts, but it is absolutely critical that you build trust with any woman you’re interested in. It is vital that she feels comfortable around you, and while you want to maintain at least some mystery, she cannot feel threatened by your presence. And, let’s face it, guys, there are plenty of predators out there, and most women should feel wary around guys they don’t know.
How do you get around those natural barriers, maintain the level of attraction necessary, but not present yourself as a threat to her safety? The answer is to build rapport. It’s about pulling down your own walls, showing her your real self, and then allowing her to do the same thing.
In short, rapport is about establishing a connection stronger than her natural wariness and fear.
So, now that we have that out of the way, let’s dig into a few ways that you can go about building rapport with any woman you’re interested in.
Show Some Emotion
Yeah, I get it. Guys are supposed to be stoic. We’re rocks, right? We have no emotions. We’re creatures of logic. Yeah, I call BS on that. Sure, that was the stereotypical image of a guy decades ago, but those social mores have been largely erased.
Here’s the thing, guys. We’re all human, whether we’re talking about men or women. We all have emotions – they’re an integral part of what makes us human in the first place. There are those out there with few emotions, or even virtually no emotions. They’re called sociopaths and psychopaths. Neither term is a positive thing. Emotions are good. They’re healthy. They prove that your mental circuitry is in good shape.
You need to embrace the fact that guys are emotional creatures that use logic, just as women are, and then show some emotion. That doesn’t mean that you need to start bawling on her shoulder about “the one that got away”. It does mean that you need to show her some of the you that’s too often hidden under the guise of masculinity.
Connect with Yourself
You cannot show emotion and build rapport if you are not sure of who you are. Too many guys today wander through life with no real idea of what makes them tick. They get up in the morning and go, without any sort of introspection. They are a mystery to themselves. And, while an air of mystery is necessary to create sexual tension during the first few interactions with a woman, you cannot afford to be mystified by yourself.
Who are you? What are your hopes and dreams? What do you want out of life? Where do you want to go and who do you want to become? What are your beliefs and holdups? How do your failures in the past color your actions today, and what can you do to let go of those mistakes?
These are just a few of the questions that you’ll need to ask yourself long before you start approaching women. If you don’t know yourself, how can you expect her to get to know you?
Find the Right Balance
I’ve found that the initial conversation between a guy and a girl usually goes one of two ways. Either you end up carrying about 90% of it, or she does. Neither of these is going to result in a positive outcome. Eventually, whoever is doing all the talking is going to get tired of carrying the load and will move on. How do you avoid that? You shoot for the right balance of conversation. What’s that mean?
You should shoot for a 50/50 split in the conversation. You should carry roughly half of it, and she should carry about half of it. What should you talk about, though?
Yes, this flies in the face of what so many of those “gurus” out there say. “Don’t talk about everyday things,” they say. “Get past the boring chitchat,” they urge. Here’s the thing – you cannot get to the deeper subjects if you don’t talk about everyday things, at least to some extent. Sure, you can get some attention by walking up to her and immediately launching into a discussion of women’s rights, or Gamergate, or whatever, but you’re going to throw her off and chances are good that she’s not going to recover her equilibrium anytime soon. You need to start off with talk about everyday stuff.
It helps you build rapport. Think about the people in your life that you feel that connection with. Chances are good that when you first met, you didn’t launch into a deep discussion of theology, or global warming, or how Israel and Palestine can finally find peace.
No. You introduced yourself. You talked about small things – the job, the weather, where you live, or the new house you’re looking at buying.
You need to take the same tack with her. Jumping into deep conversational waters right off the bat is going to sink your chances of building rapport. Chitchat might be dull. It might be common. However, it’s part of how we get to know one another. While you exchange pleasantries, you’re both sizing the other up, communicating through body language, and making important decisions like whether or not you’re attracted to the other.
Make Eye Contact
This is another tip that I make regularly, but it is essential that you follow through with it. Make eye contact while you’re talking to her. Meet her eyes, and then hold her gaze throughout the conversation. Many guys will make eye contact, and then immediately look away. That makes you look nervous and unsure.
You need to be bold and confident, and making and then maintaining eye contact does that. You’ll also find that if you are able to maintain eye contact, your nonverbal communication increases. The two of you might be discussing something as mundane as whether it’s going to rain tomorrow, but you’ll both be so deep in nonverbal communication that it won’t matter. You’re communicating volumes with your eyes and your body posture.
Time It Right
Once you have started to build rapport, you can set the hook and begin employing the tactics I discussed in my post on How to Use Storytelling to Attract Women. You’ll need to time it right, though. How do you tell? How much time is sufficient? It really depends. Some women might be willing to move to the next stage almost instantly. Others might take several minutes. Some will take longer than that.
The way you can tell is that she will start to ask you questions. You’ll answer those, and she’ll ask more. This is a sign that she’s reinvesting – she’s interested in knowing more about you. When that happens, you can start working in stories, anecdotes and the like that further illustrate your character, your values, and making her reinvest even further.
Make sure that you actively listen to what she has to say during her 50% of the conversation. Don’t interrupt. Don’t cut her off. Listen and realize that she is sharing herself and wants you to get to know the real her. Be an active part of that.
In the End
Ultimately, building rapport helps you establish trust and build comfort. It helps you both feel more confident in one another, and allows you to feel one another out before taking any further steps. Rapport is an essential ingredient for any further relationship, whether you decide that this is going to be a short fling, or you want something a bit more lasting.
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